I love my Grandmother with all my heart

Today, for the second time in this short year, my Grandmother has been admitted into the hospital. She's in her late 80's, 88 I think, and she's dying. And my heart is breaking.

Over the years we, the whole family, have joked about her having one foot in the grave, that she was going to out live us all. And for a while it seemed like she was.

She's been fighting diabetes for as long as I can remember. About two years ago, I think, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a cruel joke of life to live to your 80's then to be diagnosed with cancer. And then it just disappeared. Gone, like she never had it.

I remember one time last year when she got really sick and we all thought this was it. Having been fighting depression it hit me very hard. She was at home and bed ridden so my wife, daughter and I made the hour and a half trip to see her. Of course we waited until we were half way there to call and tell my aunts we were coming. Quite devious of us.

The visit wasn't long but I know she enjoyed it. She was smiling. Sat up in her bed. Laughed at Isabelle (my daughter). It was a good visit and I guess it helped her because she recovered. Well, as well as she could anyway.

Then, at the beginning of the year, she was admitted into the hospital. She had trouble breathing. People said she was incoherent at times. They didn't give her long.

So, once again we made the trek up to see her. Personally, I hate hospitals and there are very few instances that I would ever enter one voluntarily. But for my Grandmother it was no problem.

But, the same thing happened. She laughed. She smiled. She had a hoot watching Isabelle. But she was so frail. Small. She didn't look the same and I knew in my heart she wasn't going to out live us and that made my heart break even more.

She did get well enough to go home but was still bed ridden. A nurse had to come check on her I don't know how often, but at least she was home. She was alive, or some form of alive.

I hope this doesn't sound to arrogant of me but it seemed like every time we saw her she found the strength to keep going, though I don't know why she would want to. She was, or still is, in constant pain. Can barely leave her bed. That's not living.

I've been preparing myself for her death the last little while, telling myself she'd be better off. She'd be with loved ones. No more pain. But I wasn't prepared.

I couldn't bring myself to visit her while she was home. I didn't want to take the chance of making her get better again. I just wanted her to stop suffering. And then I was busy with work and couldn't find the time. These were just a couple of the excuses I told myself.

Truth be told I couldn't handle it. It hurt to much to see her in so much pain. To see her shrivelling away. And I was afraid of what it would do to me psychologically. I don't know that I could afford another breakdown. I had already had two this year.

Today I finally decided maybe this weekend was a good time to go and visit her. I called my aunt to make arrangements. She said maybe depending on what the nurse said because my Grandmother didn't have a very good night. A couple of hours later my aunt called back and said my Grandmother has been admitted into the hospital again. And here's the kicker, when she was released from the hospital the last time she was moved twenty minutes away from me.

So now how am I supposed to live with myself if she doesn't make it through the night? That I made stupid excuses when I could have and should have just gone to see her.

Now I might not have a chance to say goodbye.

In trying to protect my sanity I may have made it even worse.

My Dad told me not to let it get to me so much. That she wouldn't want me to be like this, but it's not something I can help. It's just the way it is.

Last night my Grandmother was calling for my Grandfather who had died 28 years ago. She's ready to go home.

We know that our body - the tent we live in here on Earth - will be destroyed. But when that happens, God will have a house for us. It will not be a house made by human hands; instead, it will be a home in heaven that will last forever.

2 Corinthians 5:1

I love you gramma.